Trials

It seems for the past 3 years, my life has become a series of trials.  I feel like I should have seen it coming.  I should not have been blind sided by the first one, therefore, I should know that there is another one coming.  Each time, I don't see it coming....they hit me like a ton of bricks. I learn something new from each one but I will tell you that the process continues to be extremely painful.  My latest trial is about trusting and letting my guard down.

I let my guard down fairly quickly when I moved to OH.  I felt safe and at home here immediately.  I made friends easily.  Only a few at first, however, after 11 years here, I have made many friends.  Some of which I considered to be closer than others.  Letting people in and trusting has always been an issue for me. You see, if you are privy to information about my childhood, you know why.  Betrayed and hurt by those I loved the most, trusting has been something I have long struggled with.  It took years for me to get to where I am today...ok not today, where I was about 2 weeks ago when a close, trusted friend of 4 years broke my heart and my trust into a million tiny pieces.  She broke up with me as a friend.  No reason...just that the "season of our friendship had faded with time."  EXCUSE ME?!?!  WHAT?!  Yeah...I begged her not to give up on our friendship, told her I loved her & treasured our friendship.  Her reply after I poured my heart out?  "Be respectful & don't take it personally."  WHAT?! EXCUSE ME??!  Please explain how I am NOT supposed to take it personally.  Sleepless nights & many tears have followed this.  It's left me shell shocked & confused.  It's left me questioning things and thinking non-stop about who I am, what kind of friend and person I am and about opening myself up to be hurt like this again.  

Today as I stood cleaning out my closet....I thought about all of this again....cleaning is therapy for me.  Purging...it's like re-hab.  I realized that while I am still hurting, I am blessed beyond measure by having opened myself up like this.  I have made some of the most amazing friends.  Friends who leave me feeling like my heart will explode from the joy that they bring into my life.  And I have fantastic memories and many good times that I shared with my "ex-girlfriend" and her family.  I would not trade those to have NOT experienced this pain.  I'm certain that there is a purpose for this trial, like the others.  I just don't know what it is yet.  Maybe it's that it's ok to trust & take the chance at being hurt bc there is so much joy to be had.  I can say, that of all of the places I have lived in my 41 years....this place is home.  This community is where I belong.  The connections I have made here make me feel as though this is where I belong.  I have yet to come to terms with the break-up.  I will, it's just hurtful and I miss her...but I try to view it as she opened up a spot in my heart and my life for someone else.  Perhaps, someone who will appreciate what I have to offer...I'm not perfect.  I never claimed to be.  Accept me flaws and all or walk away.  Apparently, this time walking away was what was best.  My guess is that, in the end, this will be what's best for me too.  While I lick my wounds, I will bask in the glow of the friends who have scratched their heads with me on this one, shared my pain and anger along with a bottle or 4 of wine.  No matter what, I will not close myself off again. The joy that I opened myself up to once I moved here is so much more than I ever could have imagined.  

My life as the Liceinator

Yep, you read that right...the Liceinator.  During spring break, B was infested with the creepy, crawly little buggers.  A race to the drug store for lice killing shampoo and other assorted lice goodies was done.  Along with the lice treatment, mad cleaning was done to eliminate every trace of every body of those gross little things.  7-10 days later, another treatment was in order just to make sure that they were all gone.  No sign of them....whew!  

In the mean time, a mixture of tea tree oil and detangler was used daily.  Along with tea tree oil in her shampoo.  Lice apparently don't like it.  

One day....two bugs appeared in that head of thick, gorgeous curly hair.  However, nothing else was there.  One of my neighbors did a lice check on her because she works at a school where she is required to do weekly checks.  She's a pro at it!  (Not something she enjoys about her job or a title she likes having)  Nothing, no eggs...nothing.  Seems they had found their way into her hair from another warm body.  So....I combed her hair out nightly with the nit comb to make sure there was nothing at the advice of my neighbor.  Nothing.

I stopped combing her hair out each night for a week.  A month from the date of the first infestation...BAM!  There they were again!  WHAT?!!  Seriously?!?!?  I contacted the school; again.  I advised the school nurse that I was concerned that there was an ongoing issue with lice at the school.  Her reply to me left me scratching my head and not because I had become infested.  She told me that I was the only parent that had reported it.  I knew that this was NOT true because I knew of at least 2 other parents that had reported it directly to her and possibly at third parent who I knew at the very least had told her child's teacher.  The school (a school I love, love, love) refuses to send out a note to parents advising that there are kids with lice at the school and to keep any eye on your kids.  You see, the doctor told me flat out, she had been re-exposed to lice and 99% of the time, it's at school.  Someone she is friends with has had an ongoing issue with lice and has apparently kept it to themselves or the nurse just refuses to do anything.  Talk about frustrating.  New steps had to be taken.

I gave up on the chemically based treatments in the drug store.   No, I'm not a hippy but  I'll tell you that I saw what that stuff did to B's head.  It was horrible.  It fried her scalp.  It took weeks for it to heal.  We moved on to mayonnaise gooped on and combed with a lovely shower cap to smother the life out of those bionic lice.  I did that twice within 3 days.  I comb her hair out every single night with the nit comb.  She is forbidden (which breaks my heart) from hugging her friends since we have no clue who it's coming from.  She must wear her hair up every day.  Once her hair is up, I spray it down with tea tree oil & water.  It's really not the most pleasant smell, it smells sterile and not all girly & pretty but for now, we'll deal with it.  

It's gotten so bad that B actually told me to take her in to get her hair cut short.  She's been begging me for 2 years to let her grow her hair long.  I finally gave in and the lice came.  Tears upon tears have been shed over this....by me and by her.  Countless hours have been spent waging this battle.  Time and effort into researching.  Phone conversations with my fellow liceinator friends who have been dealing with it too.  So much so that we had a mayo party for our girls.  The girls got their mayo treatment and hung out together, my fellow liceinator & I drank a couple of glasses of wine & discussed the woes of head lice and the lack of communication on the school's part.  Until the end of the school year, weekly mayo treatments and nightly comb outs will be a part of the routine.   And...I'll pray to God that we never encounter this nightmare again!  

New roles

So yesterday, I added a new role to my life.  Navy Mom.  My son is officially a US Navy Sailor.  Unlike my other son, who is in the Army Reserves, this one is active duty.  This means he will be gone somewhere protecting and serving our country full-time.  This is my BABY boy.  The child that was home the longest.  Yesterday I watched him graduate from basic training.  I cried.  Not tears of sadness but tears of pride & joy.  Some may not understand that.  My tears of joy were in that I knew that my son had found his calling in life.  After muddling through a semester of college, he realized it wasn't for him.  At least not yet.  We allowed him to try to sort it out & figure out what he wanted to do by not abiding by our own rules.  Our rule was, if you are in college, you live at home free of charge.  If you aren't you pay rent or move out.  We knew he wasn't ready to be on his own so we didn't push it but we hoped he'd figure it out.  He did.  Yesterday, I knew without a shadow of a doubt, my son had found his thing.  He was so full of excitement and enthusiasm !  It was something I had rarely seen from him.  He shined.  I could feel his sense of pride.  I knew that he had accomplished a huge goal.  Getting through basic training is no small feat.  He did it.  My little blonde haired, green eyes, sweet boy is now a US Navy Seaman Apprentice.  That boy is still there, but there is a new shine about him brought on only by the accomplishments he has made in the last 2 months.  I look forward to seeing what he accomplishes in the future.  I never doubted him or what he was capable of.  He told me that he doubted himself, I told him that I didn't doubt him for a second.  I knew that he could overcome whatever challenge came his way because he'd already overcame such huge hurdles in his life.  I told him that while he might have doubted himself, I never had a doubt that he'd make it.  I could not be more proud of my sailor.  I can't wait to see where he goes from here!

My most brilliant ideas come to me when I'm away from my computer

Today, while enjoying a bottle of wine on my deck in the sunshine with one of my nearest & dearest...I uttered the phrase "I think of the most brilliant things when I'm away from  my computer."  Seriously...I get flooded with the best blog ideas and then I sit down to blog and uh...hello....nothing....Yup.  Today a conversation that started with a bottle of wine encompassed everything from gay marriage, military healthcare, puberty, forgiveness and beyond.  One of my best friends in the entire world, who gets me in a way that few others do....talk about a blessing!  

True Friends

Through the years I've had many friends.  I thought they were true friends, turns out most of them have been fair weather friends.  Some using you up & casting you aside, some have stuck a knife in my back, but there are those few rare gems that come into your life that continue to sparkle through all the muck that life hands out.  I have a few of those.  Those who accept me for who I truly am, those who allow me to share every dirty detail of my life without judgment.  Who aren't afraid to say what they think and give me permission and validation for my own feelings.  Those rare gems are true treasures.  In the last couple of years, I've had my share of trials and along the way, I have made a great group of friends who I love dearly.  In that group, there is one gem that shines brighter than all the others.  She is always there for me with loving words and the gift of laughter.  When I struggle with things, she lays it out there for me and helps me to see things from another perspective.  Then she makes me laugh.  She's seen me through some of my lowest points as well as some of my highest.  My life would be so very different without her and I am so thankful to have one gem that shines above all of the rest.

Wow...has it been that long

No posts since September 2012!  I guess my life has been busy.  Time to get back to it.  Let's see since September too much has happened to try to rehash and the reality of it is that I barely remember the activities of yesterday so I'm not even going to try to remember what has happened since September.  We'll just move forward!

The room across the hall

Last night it hit me.....soon the room across the hall will be vacant.  That room has been occupied by one of my children since October 4, 2004 when my daughter was born.  It was once pink, loaded with tiny baby things & Winnie The Pooh decor.  As she grew, it was decorated with Dora then Disney Princesses.  When the first child graduated and left home that room transitioned to a teenage boy's room.  Pink became khaki, Disney Princesses became posters, football pictures, a Fathead of Lebron James, prom pictures, manly colors like gray & black decorate the room.  At the end of January, my 2nd oldest child who turns 20 later this month will embark on a new adventure in his life in the US Navy.  That room that has held one of my children for 8 years, will be empty.  A house full of children will have slowly become a house with one child.  My heart is full of pride that my boys have chosen to serve their country.  My heart is full of pride with the wonderful men my sons continue to grow to be but there is this space in my heart that misses those little boys with eyes wide with wonder and hearts full of dreams of what the world holds for them.  I treasure each moment with my children as they continue to grow and hold on a little tighter to my youngest as know how quickly these years will pass and I will have not only an empty room across the hall, but an empty room next door.  My son needs to go on this adventure.  It will help him to grow and shape him in ways that myself and my husband could not and cannot do as parents.  I look forward to watching him move on to this next phase in his life, but as I walk past that room each morning I will be reminded how quickly time passes and how you never know what life holds in store for your children.  The room will become something....we have yet to decide.  I have distracted myself for months now trying to figure out what.  This morning when I got up & saw that door open with an empty bed, reality smacked me in the face and reminded me of why that room across the hall will be empty and what it means.....I will have successfully sent another child off into this world as a man....I love you Dylan.